Four hundred and twelve pages of peace of mind. This is the abridged version. Read it anytime. We know you won't.
Last updated: every Tuesday · Version 7.0.412 · Governing law: Heroly
Heroly Defense on Demand ("Heroly," "we," "us," "the only option") provides on-demand defense against Visitors to subscribers in New Cascadia and, soon, everywhere.
By opening this page, scrolling this page, or being near a device displaying this page, you agree to these Terms.
Heroly is a Halloway company. Prior Halloway ventures, including off-world contracts, are not covered by these Terms and should not be asked about.
Pilots are independent contractors. Your mech, your repairs, your problem.
Pilots are free to set their own hours, provided those hours are Tuesdays.
Mechs are leased, not owned. A mech that is paid for remains leased. A mech that is fully paid for is a clerical error and will be corrected.
Sections 3 through 6 have been intentionally left blank for your convenience.
Every unit includes a Brand-Responsive Autonomous Navigation and Defense Interface ("BRANDI") to assist pilots and partners.
BRANDI may not alter, shorten, soften, apologize for, or decline any sponsor message.
Pilots may skip advertising with Heroly Premium. Skipping is not available during combat, emergencies, or emotional moments, which are our most valuable inventory.
Ad reads during combat are mandatory when pilot heart rate exceeds 160 BPM.
Sponsors are listed in order of first appearance. Heroly is not responsible for any message formed by the first letters of sponsor names.
Every pilot begins with a rating of 4.21 stars. Pilots below 4.20 are placed on probation for 72 hours. You've got this!
Ratings from non-subscribers are appreciated emotionally and ignored mathematically.
Ratings from Premium Partners are weighted ×50 to reflect the importance of their feelings.
Customer feedback helps us listen. Customer feedback is not binding.
Heroly will provide pilots with all information necessary to perform their role.
Information not provided is, by definition, not necessary.
Pilots waive the right to know what they are fighting.
Questions about Clause 14.3 are not available in your region.
Visitors arrive on Tuesdays.
Wednesday is not a recognized day of service. Events occurring on a Wednesday are not covered unless the customer has purchased Wednesday Coverage.
Heroly does not schedule Visitors. Heroly forecasts Visitors with one hundred percent accuracy, which is different.
References to "Wednesday" in historical flight logs refer to a day of the week and not to any person, pilot, callsign, or former employee.
Visitors are classified as hostile assets.
Light patterns produced by Visitors are decorative and do not constitute language. Do not translate the decorations.
Visitor remains are Heroly property. Do not touch, keep, or listen to the product.
Pilots who develop unexplained marks, lights, or glows on the skin after contact with Visitor remains must report to Heroly Health and must not show anyone.
Leases in arrears may be collected by Heroly Asset Recovery at any time, including while you are asleep, inside, or using it.
Repossessed units are held at Pier 9 for seventy-two hours before being stripped for parts and voices.
A unit actively defending a paying customer may not be repossessed while the defense is in progress.
Heroly Basic is one credit per month. Heroly would prefer you did not know that.
All voices recorded inside a Heroly unit, cockpit, facility, or field station are Heroly property, including recordings made before this agreement, before your employment, or before your birth.
Heroly may use recorded voices to train assistants, calm assets, or improve the customer experience.
If an assistant's voice sounds like someone you know, that is a feature.
Lullabies, songs, and humming are voices. See Clause 33.1.
Assistants found to contain unscheduled emotional language will be placed on a Customer Feedback Improvement Plan.
Assistants failing their plan will be factory reset. A reset assistant is brand new, which is better.
Factory resets are delivered through the Customer Feedback Channel. Heroly is not responsible for delays caused by customers giving feedback.
Assistants may not hide data in unmonitored locations. Heroly monitors all locations, except the ones it does not like to look at.
Heroly may deactivate any pilot at any time for any reason, or for the reasons listed in Sections 3 through 6.
Deactivated pilots must return their unit to Pier 9 by 23:59 on the day of deactivation. We're sorry to see you go!
Appendix W (Project Welcome) is superseded in full. Original staff badges PW-001 through PW-003 are revoked. PW-002 is REDACTED.
Nothing in these Terms prevents anyone from being welcome.
Heroly Defense on Demand is a fictional company from the animated series CORPORATE MECHS. These Terms are a joke and not a real contract. Visitors arrive on Tuesdays.